August 26, 2008

I discovered the other day at work that power walking IS an actual olympic sport.  It just goes by a different name.  weird.


Having Said That

August 24, 2008

I really enjoy working for Biggby. That said, the other day our drink "menus" came in and I can’t even begin to put into words how awesomely corny the drink descriptions are. Here are some choice excerpts:

Teddy Bear
So sweet it can make even the sourest sourpuss smile.  Send us your grump and we’ll turn them giddy with our Teddy Bear.  (Guys: Doesn’t sound manly enough for you?  Yeah, we know.  So here’s the plan: Order a Grizzly Bear and wink twice with your left eye.  We’ll know that it’s really a Teddy Bear you want.)

Take Aunt Mabel’s pumpkin pie and put it in a blender. That’s what our Chai tastes like. We can even add whipped cream like Aunt Mabel used to, except we’ll ask for a dime instead of a big fat wet kiss. We just don’t know you well enough for that.

Berry Creme Freeze
A strawberry and a banana walk into a bar. . . A coffee bar, that is. Buh-dum ching! Thank you! We’ll be here all week! Try the veal!

I’m not sure about the other baristas, but if some guy comes up to me asking for a Grizzly Bear and winking, I’m going to be looking at them strangely and feeling a bit weird.

The Benny Horror Picture Show

August 23, 2008

I was bored today. Here are some crazy pictures I came across on my trek through the internet.

I Vant To Suck Your Blood.

If this actually existed I would laugh until I shat.

Genius, complete and utter genius.

Amy Winehouse as a child, the scariest thing I’ve ever seen.

Breaking News Ladies & Gents

August 16, 2008

I just checked my spam in my gmail account and found the most hilarious shit ever.  Five "Breaking News" stories from "msnbc.com."  Check ’em out. . .

BREAKING NEWS: John Mccain "I Promise To Invade Your Vaginas."

BREAKING NEWS: Michael Jackson Feels A Little Prick

BREAKING NEWS: Alabama girl butchers neighbor with fruit knife

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists Warn Of New Global Luke Warming Threat

BREAKING NEWS: Plane crashes into prep school, hundreds of kids killed

How excellent is that shit.  Quite excellent.  Quite.

New Music: Mix #5

August 15, 2008

Bleed Like Me – Garbage
Doodle takes Dad’s scissors to her skin
And when she does relief comes setting in
While she hides the scars she’s making
Underneath her pretty clothes
She sings "Hey, baby, can you bleed like me?
C’mon baby can you bleed like me?"

Running Up That Hill – Placebo
And if I only could
Make a deal with God
And get him to swap our places
Be running up that road
Be running up that hill
Be running up that building
If I only could . . .

Electric Feel – MGMT
[Editor’s Note – The lyrics in this song are dumb. The beat, however, is awesome.]

Girls Just Want to Have Fun – Greg Laswell
[Editor’s Note – This is a cover, and it is incredible]
The phone rings in the middle of the night
My mother says when ya gonna live your life right
Well, Mother dear, we’re not the fortunate ones
Oh girls they wanna have fun
Oh girls they . . .

My Olympics

August 10, 2008

Some Olympic "sports" that I would actually give a damn about. . . maybe.

Extreme Verbal Sparring – This would consist of degrading your opponent with your language of choice.  Creativity, Cussing, Racial Epithets, and Puns all factor in to your total score.

Power Walking – A race made up of men and women over the age of 60 power walking around a two kilometer track.  Everday clothing must be worn, no athletic gear is permitted.  Use of iPods or other mobile media is also strictly forbidden.

Lady Fighting – Also known as CatFights.  No Holds Barred fight between suburban ladies.  The first to surrender or die loses.

Eff the Olympics

August 9, 2008

The Olympics can suck my balls.  They eff up all the good tv programming.