An Exercise In Madness

~Of Hobos & Sluts~
A Children’s Tale By Benjamin Hill

I want to see my friend Beth, but I unfortunately don’t have the money to make a day trip to Detroit.  Maybe I could slut my way down there, that’d be an adventure.  I’d become friends with a slut named Wendy who is addicted to smack, has sold her baby for booze money, and is wearing a weave.  We would be best pals, Wendy and I.

Though most of our travels would occur via hitch-hiking on I-75, a portion would occur on a train, a good ol’ fashioned steam locomotive.  While on the steam locomotive Wendy and I become friends with some hobos who show us how to fashion shanks out of chopsticks and 2 sticks of wrigley’s gum.

It would be such a grand adventure…

The previous was adapted from an actual AIM conversation which occured on March 28, 2008.

It’s Not An Ugly Betty World

I wish I lived in the semi-ideal world of Ugly Betty.  A world where skinny people fall in love with fat people, all of life’s problems can be solved with a little elbow grease, and any awkward situation can be avoided by crawling silently out of a room on one’s hands and knees.

Ugly Betty, you are one lucky bitch.

And on a related yet completely unnecessary note, here are my top six favorite characters on Ugly Betty, in order.

1. Hilda Suarez
2. Christina McKinney
3. Claire Meade
4. Amanda Tanen
5. Marc St. James
6. Alexis Meade

Yeah, they’re almost all women.  What can I say?  The ladies on Ugly Betty are funny.

TAL On The Big Screen!

Yesterday (or maybe it was the day before) I was graced with the presence of a welcome message from This American Life within my inbox. I immediately became happy because I adore TAL and love anything/everything it produces. I was even happier when I clicked on the link within the message and read this:

On Thursday, May 1st acclaimed radio and television host Ira Glass will bring the wildly popular show This American Life to the big screen for a one-night only event. Glass debuts never-before-seen extraordinary, funny and true stories from everyday life, shows outtakes, and answers audience questions. This exclusive theatre event will be broadcast LIVE from New York via satellite to select movie theatres nationwide.

Tickets go on sale beginning April 4th. Don’t miss your chance to see “This American Life – Live!” on the big screen Thursday May 1, 2008 at 8PM EDT / 7 PM CDT / 6 PM MDT and time delayed to 8PM PDT.

SWEET! It’s like a wet dream, but better. For a list of participating theatres, click here.  Unfortunately Mount Pleasant isn’t participating so I’ll either have to go to Lansing or Saginaw, but you can bet I’m going, dammit!

Bald = No Hat

Dear Men (and Women) who are Balding or have receding hairlines,

Please do yourself a giant favor and do not wear a hat. . . ever.  I admit that though you do look better with the hat, the shock that is experienced once the hat is removed greatly overrides any initial attractiveness.  I’m not sure if that made sense so let me put it this way; If you’re bald and you wear a hat, once you take that hat off people are shocked by your baldness and see you as being ugly.  So you’re better off just not wearing a hat, or never ever taking the hat off.

Case in point: Tim McGraw

P.S. – I am balding myself, so take my advice bitches.

CreepyDog

Andrew Bravener is the cutest/funniest boy on YouTube and everyone should check out his videos, he makes me smile.

Now that that’s out of the way, I came across the creepiest and most amazing thing I’ve ever seen today.  This thing goes by the name of BigDog and it’s a robot which was created by the company Boston Dynamics.  Now Boston Dynamics doesn’t just create the creepy-as-fuck BigDog, it also made a robot than can climb walls, which goes by the name of RiSE.  Fun Stuff.

Here’s the video of BigDog in action, the creepiest parts are when the demonstrator attempts to kick BigDog over and also when BigDog slips on ice.  This thing is insane.

Creepy Kid From The Past #4

This is my brother, bobby, he cuts the dead up into chunks…

Click the picture to get the full effect of the creepy.

Combos are Nasty

Combos are the most disgusting snack food to have ever been created. Maybe their deliciousness is lost on me, but I think they taste like vomit wrapped in a pretzel. I’m specifically talking about their "pizza" flavor. Disgusting! Dis-Gusting.

I dislike them so much that if Pizza Flavored Combos were the last food on earth, I would die before I ate them.  Okay, I would probably eat them, but I wouldn’t like it.

Mrs. Extra Extra

Yesterday I began listening to “Piece of Me” by Britney Spears and today I decided I like it, because not only is it sad, but it’s sadness that I can dance to. I’ve also started to feel sad for Britney. Mainly because the song made me realize that she is aware that we make a shit big deal out of everything she does. For some reason I thought she just lived in her own little world. I do think she needs to get her stuff together, though, because there’s no excuse for going bat shit crazy. I wish the world wasn’t obsessed with celebrity. Damn you world! Damn you!

UPDATE: Yes I know the drawing looks nothing like Britney Spears

Nice Lady

I go through the drive-thru at the Taco Bell in town quite a bit and I am usually greeted with the smiling face of one of the nicest ladies you will ever meet. Well, not too long ago about four months ago the wonderful Taco Bell Lady decided to shave off her eyebrows and have them replaced with tattoos. Now, it wasn’t with Tattoos of eyebrows, no, it was with tattoos of flowers, leaves, and vines. So now the incredibly nice Taco Bell Lady has flowers, leaves, and vines in place of her eyebrows. Now, I know that’s hard to imagine so I photoshopped my face and drew in what her tattoos look like. I think I may have it done as well.

Happy Preaster

In honor of Easter here is some Jesus-y fun!